When the lights go red

The dream of never be
the light i never see
life will i live or lie to myself
dreams aside in a shelf;

Broken pieces like shattered glass
all over my soul, bleed
there's a silence in my heart
and the sounds breed
a notion of motionless surround,
like dark flakes of snow
in a winter my life has seen
searched but never found
the truth behind the charade;

the dream that i once was
in my sleep at night
has no sense of direction
nor of any fight
living was easier when i hated my life

thoughts i hear but can't say
sounds of freedom scream a way
choose it we may not, now
twenty years hence, as i lay
when i look back at today
wonder what i would say
did I do it my way?

The lonewolf paradox and diminishing marginal progress

The fact that we judge people the moment we see them, that's what's changing the world. It works something like Nash equilibrium but not exactly, let me explain: We judge and so do others. Knowing that, we decide to present ourselves better (or so we think). We change ourselves. So does everyone and in the end everyone loses their identity. Think about it, we're always with someone.

Now that should mean that loner's retain their individuality making them special. They do not try to fit in, i.e. sugarcoat themselves and thus, are alone. Now suppose the world recognizes that these people are special. Everyone would want to be with them, to learn what makes them special. Now what happens? The loner now starts changing, others try being like him. Thus making everyone lose their identity even more.

Next i attempt to understand the paradox and it's effect on human progress.

Special people do special things, get recognition and make money, in short "succeed". Consider n number of special people in the world, and x number of loners (x less than n). Of course loners are special (refer the proof above). So these x people succeed. The point when you realize this in your life you're already full. Thus converted loners do not succeed. Here we introduce a concept called a "Natural Loner". (This concept would be elaborated in the next level)

So naturals succeed. Popularity follows success. Around so many people, loners start losing their edge. At the speed this happens, we should have stopped making progress by 2020(random estimate).

We're in a vicious spiral. The only way to prevent this is to mind your business. Do not bother others unless of course you work at a consult where you're paid to do exactly that. It's lonely at the top, now beat it.

Self

Before these crowded streets
the silence of the night that prevails
the yellow moon, as if swollen with tears
it wept all day, in the sun
the loner that walks these dunes
knows no patience
sees no gain, vanity
all in vain

Winds that talk a language
surround him till,
he understands
all that is in the past is
but the present back in time;

Lost in the dream
ever prevalent sounds of yesterday
haunt his soul,
nightmares of sorts he fights
wakes up to his sordid ways
gets on with his chores
breaks off with his past
till the sun sets on him
like yesterday night

Hate and disgust

Sick and demented me!

Of idiosyncrasies and endorphins

So much comes and goes, so much for a beating heart, a numb brain and some coffee. When your life's been given a 360 it's difficult to wake up, reality might, at any point come and catch up. What you want you don't know, what you've got you don't know what to do with. Maturity is the belief in your experiences, judgment an illusion of choice. Nothing you do or ever did.

The mundane sun that rises, a trigger for life, no longer. It seems to insinuate at monotonicity that is life, the life we need, the same that kills. Compulsion is a feeling that is inside, obsession comes along. You do not understand yourself, the world judges you, but how? you wonder. Every little thing we do is scrutinized for we do it deliberately, that is what you think? We're not alone though, trust me.

All of us want different things from the life that is in control, yet we generalize. The irony of human behavior is the variation we see in people. There is no collective behavior, there is just acquired taste. This notion of similarity causes misinterpretation and as a result dissatisfaction.

Halt and think, why do i keep going this way?

Endorphins, the "hope" messengers, the illusion that it is. Time heals, endorphins doing the back-end work.

In addition to decreased feelings of pain, secretion of endorphins leads to feelings of euphoria, modulation of appetite, release of sex hormones, and enhancement of the immune response.

You're overcome, no more pain.

for (int x = 0; x < 5; x++)
{
  
   x = 2;
}

वक्त ने कर डाला है बनता धार हू!

Time stops for nobody, we're all nobodies in the greater scheme of things, and thus time goes on.
Confused is the state of mind when you wonder about things out of your control, you find yourself in a place where you're alone amongst a bunch of friends, disconnected, enervated. Life provides a stage where everyone who wishes, can perform, success is a decision you can't make or change.

Every now and then there are phases of introspection. Whenever you halt to look back, you see nothing, nothing that excited you, nothing that was inspiring, nothing. And then you know something's missing, you're as stable as you'd like to be, still not happy. The uneasiness never lets go of you, mind and body.

There is momentary happiness, when you forget all, all that you've left behind, all that's left you behind. Forgetful happyness, little drops of dew, ignorance is bliss, apathy don't care.

Achievement dampens progress, there is pressure to perform! Maturity is the mother of all disheartening. Who's the daddy! :)

O pardesi.................!

कोई ये कैसे बताये की वो तनहा क्यों है - कैफी आज़मी

दिले बरबाद से निकला नही अब तक कोई
एक लुटे घर पे दिया करता है दस्तक कोई
आस जो टूट गई फ़िर से बंधाता क्यों है
येही दुनिया है तो फ़िर ऐसी ये दुनिया क्यों है।।